Beyond Grief
on trying to leave something behind
So much of my work is about grief and loss. I’ve avoided thinking about what that says about me as a person for a while; why am I drawn to loss so keenly and why do I revisit it again and again.
Today, while standing on a mall escalator, under the bright white lights, I drank soda like my grandmother would; lips pressed to the bottle’s mouth, head tilted back. Back when I was a child, I was disgusted by it, I didn’t realise until much later that it was because of her shaking hands. Her hands, which had picked tea and planted rice, and raised five children and several grandchildren, were not steady enough to hold a bottle. It hit me then, with remarkable clarity, that I would grieve her for a very long time.
All that’s poetic and all, but for one problem.
Cause all this is about a living woman, one I could call and talk to now if I wish so.
It is not healthy to live life as one extended funeral, mourning and waiting to mourn, with water breaks of joy, but god, its fantastic for writing. Grief is something you can peel back again and again, an emotional archaeologist’s wet dream. It will never stop yielding because every facet offers a new exploration, a new memory, an old hurt spun in a new, distinct way. You can grieve and grieve and never run out, grow around the wound but never outgrow it. And soon, life passes you by, while you tend the old garden and prepare new graves.
So. This needs to stop. I’ve grown so used to drawing from darkness for my craft that light feels antithetical to me. Which is ridiculous because I grew up on a steady diet of romance novels and fantasy.
Its time to go back to the roots.
Does this mean anything is changing immediately?
Not on the novel side. I’ve always written grimcomic books; pretty dark but fairly funny fantasy novels. I’m outlining a couple new projects which will continue this trend, very intense books with either a funny protagonist or an irreverent voice.
Short fiction, though..
To be perfectly frank, I haven’t really been writing a lot of short fiction. I wrote a lot last year, they all universally went nowhere, and I didn’t get the urge to sink in more time into that particular fixation again. Not the ideal writerly conduct, I know. But sometimes you pick yourself up and go right into the ring after being given the beating of your life, sometimes you lick your wounds and sit around dejectedly.
But if I do decide to write short fiction again, I’m going to try and diversify. I want to write funny stories again and I’m going to try to avoid them all being about how sad I am because my (other) grandmothers died 5 years ago. We are going to get some variety this time.
I’m also going to try to be a lot more consistent with this newsletter; I try to keep it to only when I have news but the unfortunate reality is, when I have news, I have no energy and when I have energy, I have no news. This ends up with me not sending out a single newsletter for months on end (Guys, I won an award! Do you know how drained an attention starved creative have to be to not crow about that everywhere?). So I’ve decided I’m going to commit to this thing; I’ll be sending out newsletters about either my ramblings weekly or biweekly. This may include news; it probably will not and will be more of my navel gazing about how fucking difficult writing is. You have free will; use it wisely to either run or lock in for the ride.
News
Now this is going to look lorge cause the last time I sent a newsletter was September 2025; trust that all of this happened at a snail’s pace.
Publications
Out now
Paper Rebellions in Being Aro, Page Street: You probably didn’t know this but I started out as a YA writer! So the opportunity to return to my beginnings with this story about an aromantic archivist who turns books into dragons to fight book banning was quite welcome. Its out now, please buy it and spread the word because I do think its a very important anthology, especially for aromantic or questioning teens.
The Salt and The Cure, Lightspeed - I have a new story out in Lightspeed, huzzah! Its a dense little fucker about faith and falsehood (and yes I do overuse alliteration there too). I wrote it as a lark because my friend MR Robinson (who is brilliant btw) ran a flash challenge in our discord. I am quite pleased with just how much worldbuilding I managed to cram there in less than 1500 words and also the main conceit its wrestling with. It got some good reviews from Maria Haskins at Locus and Victoria Silverwolf at Tangent Online. I think its pretty neat.
Forthcoming
Now all of the forthcoming are going to be poems cause while my inability to get most of short fiction published persists, poetry however is much more receptive to my efforts. (also cause I spent the last two years learning to write for sound, defamiliarisation, and revising a poem).
There are lonely things in the forest, The Deadlands, Summer 2026 Issue - This happened cause I love Mary Oliver too much. Contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing called loving something too much; when you do so, the love spills over because your heart is not enough to hold it any longer, and it will either become a poem or poison. In my case, it became a poem.
The body, a planet to terraform, ALOCASIA Issue #20, August - Have you ever thought about the violence of terraforming? Of what it takes to shape something into something it is not? I did and I wrote this. I’ve been told its also a very difficult poem to read because it is about the body as much as it is about the planet and I hesitate to name the violence because naming things often gives them power. If you see this one in the wild, know that its triumphant but tread with care.
What Wears The Flesh, Nightmare, idk when - This is my favorite child, one that took me atleast a dozen drafts to revise. I do not wish to talk about it except that I love it.
Editing
OTHERSIDE, a magazine of queer speculative fiction - I am become editor, curator of words. More seriously, joining Otherside is perhaps my favorite thing I’ve done in all these days away. And I’ve done a lot! We have two issues out now, its full of speculative fiction and poetry from queer artists. If you can spare it, join our Patreon. It allows us to sustain the magazine for much longer and support queer art in a meaningful way. And if you are eligible, send us your weird stories when we reopen for submissions.
Awards
Apex Choice Award, To Kill A Language - Obviously thrilled, but also never thought I would actually win something? This is by far my most read story, and its a really weird one. Sounds cliche, but while I’ve always had delusional faith, I didn’t expect this particular story to go so far. Thank you my dear readers, I am heartened.
Watching, Reading etc etc
I have unfortunately been watching, reading and playing way too much shit to sum up here, so I will just tell you about my current fixations
Persona 3 Reload - Kinda epic, i do love it
My Royal Nemesis - Insane people romcom
Best Offer Wins by Marisa Kashino - Quite unhinged, I didn’t even know I could like a book with a main character named Margo this much
Okay we are at the end of this. Expect the next ones to be shorter. Write back to me so I do know the void speaks and will be appropriately fearful of it.
With warmth (no, truly),
Rukman